• Everybody forgets to fight fair once in a while. But little arguments may escalate into full-scale verbal attacks, complete with accusations, criticisms, name-calling, or the old standby, bringing up the past. If these kinds of things happen rarely (and by rarely I mean less than once a year), fine. If it's happening once in every ten disagreements, that's not so fine. (Yes, I know that equates to just 10%. But ten disagreements can happen within the space of a week! So really, that means this could still be a pretty frequent thing!) And of course, if it's your preferred form of argument, you've got a problem.
• Sometimes our mouths engage before our brains and we say things that we instantly regret. Being critical of your partner's opinions, feelings, or desires is a no-no, and ladies, I'm sorry, but PMS is only an excuse. There's no good reason for this kind of behavior between adults who supposedly like each other. If it's an exceptionally rare and random slip of the tongue, fine. More than a handful of times a year; it's becoming a pattern of behavior. And it's a problem.
• Communication between partners is never 100% clear 100% of the time. Maybe it's the whole Mars-Venus thing. Anyway, misunderstandings happen, and they tend to happen pretty regularly. Don't sweat it. BUT, if your partner (or you) usually seems to perceive words or actions more negatively than they were meant, there's a problem. Often, it's a self-confidence issue imposing itself on communication. Sometimes, though, it's a days-at-a-time downer! If your partner isn't bipolar, you've got a problem.
• Partners are called partners because they're supposed to be ... well, partners. Sometimes partners approach problems from different perspectives, sometimes they arrive at totally different solutions. But being partners means that ultimately, you're on the same page. If your relationship feels like you're on opposing teams, it's a problem.
• As much as we can too easily do the foot-in-mouth thing, we may hold back our thoughts or feelings. And there are situations when it's okay to do that. For example, ladies, if you have to ask if it makes you look fat, you're putting your partner in that situation. But do you find yourself keeping your thoughts, wants, and needs to yourself on a regular basis? Why? If it's not safe to vocalize, it's a problem.
• Have you ever felt alone when you were surrounded by people? It's a lonely feeling. It's possible to feel lonely with the best of relationships, if distance or travel keep partners apart. But when geography isn't the issue, loneliness is not normal. It's often a sign that you can't share your life with your partner. And if you can't share, to the point that you're feeling lonely, your relationship has a problem.
• People respond to disagreements and differences of opinion in many ways. When one partner withdraws, it tends to mean something big. (I'm not talking about physically leaving the argument to go cool off.) Intentionally giving someone the silent treatment is about as extreme a form of rejection as humans can show. We're social creatures; to be deliberately excluded is painful. Sometimes the withdrawal isn't the silent treatment, but a surrender, if one partner does not feel heard. Sometimes people just can't handle conflict well and would rather escape than participate. It almost doesn't matter why it happens, as much as it matters that it happens, and how often during disagreements. If it's a pattern of behavior, it's a problem.
Obviously, there are a lot of other potential red-flag areas to watch for in relationships. But these few can show up between two people on their third date as easily as they can show up between two people celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. They don't mean the relationship is doomed! These are just signs that things aren't going well, and you both need to address them together to get the relationship back on solid ground.
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