Five Kinds of Emotional Vampires

We've all been at the mercy of an emotional vampire at one time or another. But some of us seem more ... magnetic to them. More often than not, they actually have a personality disorder, which makes them just enough off balance to make US crazy! Most of them have no clue that they're sucking the life out of us. Emotional vampires come in different types, but they share two things in common: they get you to let them get under your skin, and they do it over and over. Learn to recognize them and save yourself!

Learn how to tell if someone might be draining you, and how to stop it!

Meanies
These are the people who lash out and hurt those around them, one way or another, but they're nearly never violent. This group includes your angry boss, the sibling who criticizes everything you do (still), that woman who knows your idea will never work, and the grown up "mean girls" who can't miss an opportunity to insult someone. These people would reject the idea that there's something wrong with them, so there's no way to "fix" the problem. You have to use other tactics to deal with them.

When you run across these, remember that their attacks are rarely about you, you just happen to be the most convenient target. Understand that they don't get the rules of civilized society, so they don't realize people would like them if they played nice. - but you can let them know that you don't choose to play the victim role for them.

Next time one of them says something mean, you can respond with "Wow, that was really negative! Anyway, blah blah blah," and continue with your part of the conversation as if their remark was no more than a mere interruption. Alternatively, you can go with something like, "I know you can't be that upset with me. Who pissed in your Wheaties?" and move on with the conversation. I don't advise this with your boss, of course!

Leeches
These people usually mean well but drag us down with their hesitation. These are the ones who cast their personal aura of uncertainty over the group, the guys who doubt, the girls who has you pulling your hair out in exasperation, the foot-draggers, and the weirdos who confuse everyone because they're so confused and overwhelmed.

Don't let these people get the best of your emotional side, or you'll get stuck in their rut. Channel your inner Spock and keep things clear and logical so you can feel more confident in your plans and decisions.

These folks might suspect there's something wrong in their lives. You aren't the shrink, but you might be able to help them rein in their craziness by assuming an attitude of leadership. Express yourself clearly and confidently, allow intelligent questions at the end, and assign them responsibility for their own behavior. "I understand you aren't sure about this, but it's already been decided." "I'm not sure why you're having a problem with this, but (doing whatever) is your responsibility."

Downers
Like leeches, these vampires do not play well with others, and aren't aware of it. This may be the largest group of emotional vampires. It includes that family member who constantly disappoints you, the "let's you and him fight" guy who just has to stir the pot, the more passive guy who keeps quitting, the user woman who's only nice when she needs something, the other woman who can only whine about how much her life sucks and how bad things only happen to her.

Inoculate yourself from these drainers by stocking up on positives. Pray, meditate, take your vitamins, rock out on your way to work - whatever makes you feel really good about life. And work at maintaining your grip on your own more positive reality, so it can't get sucked away.

Because these people tend to live in their own little worlds, it's hard to get through to them that you aren't interested in their personal dramas, excuses, and selfishness. But that shouldn't stop you from a little social commentary if you're fed up. Remarks like "Sorry doesn't fix it when other people are counting on you. Maybe you could make it up to us by ...." let the Downer know that his actions impact others (who aren't impressed), but if he follows your specific idea (by your deadline), he'll have a shot of regaining your trust. If you're feeling particularly generous, you can try an alternate approach such as "I know how you feel. I feel like that too sometimes, but right now we need to ...." This might help get the person back on track. With the whiners and victims, you can add that their unique ability or talent is much-needed. This gives them a sense of control that is lacking in the rest of their lives.

Crashers
These are the vampires who seem to try their best but who can destroy work in seconds. Sometimes it's due to their cluelessness, sometimes because they're passive-aggressive! This is the chatterbox who obnoxiously babbles or gossips so much that it halts productivity. It's the guy who goes off on tangents, sometimes intentionally, and distracts everyone. It's the woman who manages to patronize everyone else. It's the person (often a newcomer) who expects you (and the group) to adapt to his/her pace - the one who may set a break-neck pace but then trips you up when you try to catch up.

With any of these types, keep your priorities in mind. Don't worry about a few minutes of distraction here or there, but staying focused on the big picture will limit their ability to derail you.

Unfortunately, with these vampires, there sometimes isn't much you can do to let them know you don't plan to accommodate their behavior, short of being rude. Allow them a brief moment of attention off-topic if you must, but as soon as they come up for air, bring them back to the task at hand. Sort of a "Hmm, that's interesting, but right now ...." and then literally shift your attention. Turn your eyes and body away and do not respond to anything else that is not constructive. (Good luck!)


If you aren't sure if someone fits into one the above categories, observe your own energy level right before and right after interacting with them. Is it lower? That's a key indicator of an emotional vampire. Then, besides having your energy negatively impacted, how do you feel? If your emotional reaction fits in one of these categories, it's probably toxic residue.

I also should point out that simply calling someone on their behavior, due to mental disorder or not, may not be effective and may potentially backfire. Use your best judgment, considering the person, the specific behavior, and the situation!

FWIW, There's a great site (and book) that describe these in greater detail and by psychological diagnosis, if you dare! It gives you a few examples of types, and "red flag" checklists, which I love! Here's the link: http://www.albernstein.com/id55.htm

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