Tween Drama

Wow, I don't remember it being this hard, but then "when I was a kid things were different."

I know three girls who are about ready to tear each others' hair out. They've been friends for a long time, and I'm not seeing what caused the sudden "mean girl" attitudes. Here's the most recent situation - if you have any insights on this incident, please email me! FWIW, the girls involved are all 9 and 10 years old.

Girl R and Girl J both have younger sisters (who are very obviously the babies of their respective families). The younger sisters were teasing each other one day. Girl J overheard some not-real-nice things from both of them. Not knowing the context or bothering to ask, she butted in and smacked the little sister of Girl R. Now both little sisters and Girl J are arguing. Girl R overhears and defends her own little sister. Girl J, J's little sister, J's big brother, and two neighbor kids gang up on Girl R and threaten to beat her up.

Girl R knows it's gotten out of hand and goes home. Girl L, meanwhile, is a friend of both Girl R and Girl J, and has watched this event unfold. She has wisely chosen to stay out of it up to this point. But now, Girl L goes with Girl J to the park to play, while Girl R sits home alone.

The next day, after returning from Girl R's house, Girl J confronts Girl L and demands to know whose side she is on. Girl L says there are no sides.

The next day, Girl R and Girl L are talking about what happened. There is definitely some hostility remaining but Girl L isn't clear about how willing Girl R is to forgive and forget. She writes a single letter "B" to ask Girl R her opinion of Girl J. (They both understand the letter to represent a word they are not supposed to be saying.)

Girl R immediately grabs paper and runs to Girl J, shouting that she "has proof." Girl J promptly bursts into tears and runs inside. Girl L runs home, sure that she'll be grounded for a year for using a "bad word." Girl R sits back and watches the action, but not much happens.

This is where I come into the story. I get the details and talk to Girl R and Girl L the next day. I guessed that Girl R was mad at Girl L for not standing up for her or at least choosing not to hang out with Girl J. That seemed reasonable. I also guessed that Girl R taking the piece of paper to Girl J was the way she got back at Girl L. I explained that it was an effective way of hurting Girl J at the same time. Girl R tried to deny, but I commented that she had to know that taking a piece of paper to Girl J and explaining that "the letter B stands for B----, Girl L wrote it, and it's what she thinks of you" would hurt her feelings.

At some point after this, Girl R returned to Girl J and said, regardless of what she'd been told, Girl L did indeed think Girl J was a B----. Although Girl R's credibility has been strained at this point, Girl J is tending to believe Girl R over Girl L.

In a perfect world, I'd like to sit down with Girl J and ask her to put herself into Girl R's shoes, or at least recognize that what Girl R did was out of a sense of retribution. But Girl J doesn't want to hear any explanation right now; she'd rather keep arguing. Girl R realizes her payback hurt more than she intended, but she'd rather not do anything about it. Girl L wants things to go back the way they were.

The parents of all three girls have come to me and I've done what I could without stirring parental defensiveness, but regardless of the parents, this is hurting all three kids. Your thoughts? (And no, keeping them on tranquilizers until they're 18 is not a solution!)