Tough, Strong, and ... Happy?

(Scene: a desert vista just before sunset, heat waves shimmering up from the ground, blurring the horizon. A lone figure on a horse rides steadily along toward a distant town. Camera zooms in so we see the rider is a rugged cowboy. He's slouching with eyes downcast, obviously weary but determined.)

How many scenes like that have we seen on TV or in the movies? Or updated, and it's a detective on the prowl, or a researcher at a computer. Appearances change, but the characters are pretty much the same. They aren't bulletproof or immune to grief, frustration, or disappointment, but they're tough.

We know people like this in real life, too. And chances are, they're happier than the general population.

Mental toughness - resilience - is a predictor of happiness and satisfaction in life. Resilience includes a bucket of mental behaviors, like empathy, the ability to regulate emotions and control impulses, and the tendency to do causal analysis rather than jump to conclusions. Resilience also signifies a very reduced tendency toward tunnel vision, over-personalizing a situation, over-generalizing a situation, or blowing things out of proportion.

A resilient person sees things more objectively. The more practice they have, the better they are at it. And since they aren't drama divas, they aren't at the mercy of negativity. They're free to enjoy all the positive emotions that come along. They think things through rather than assume the world hates them, so they can accept that a situation is unpleasant, but it doesn't define them or their entire day.

If you don't consider yourself especially tough-minded (or happy), try changing some of your thought processes:

• In any situation, give yourself 60 seconds, and then evaluate your emotions. Are you reacting or responding? A clue to the less-appropriate behavior is in the root verb, act. Sometimes grief or shock or rage is appropriate, like if you just found out a dearly beloved family member has suddenly died, or you discover that your boss has been embezzling for years and the company is closing tomorrow and you're jobless, or you catch a puny burglar red-handed sneaking out of your house and he drops your flat-screen on your dog when he sees you. In most cases, a less extreme response is probably better, because focusing energy on reaction means you can't focus as much on the situation. Which creates a lovely segue to the next point.

• Process situations to determine their cause. Did you get a flat tire because fate wanted you to be late, or because you failed to check your tire pressure recently, or because that semi full of nails tipped over on the freeway? (In which case, it's an inconvenience for you, but it's way worse for him.) And while you're looking at causes, don't stop at the first one you come to. You're irritated why? Because some guy cut you off in traffic. Take it one more step and ask why. Is he a jerk? Is he just a bad driver? Or might something be going on in his world right now that's causing him to drive that way? (Maybe he just got some horribly shocking news. Maybe his wife is delivering his first child and he's trying to get to the hospital.) You don't know. Which takes us to the next point.

• Don't assume so much. You know what happens when you assume. And making assumptions without bothering to get all the facts is the same as jumping to conclusions. It's a bad habit. Same goes for mind-reading (unless you're an actual psychic). You might think you know, but odds are, you're wrong. At best, you only know a part. Don't believe me? Play a game with friends. Have them think of an event or situation going on in their lives, but ask them to tell you only half of the facts. You make your guess about the other half, and see how often you're right. The point is, it's not your life, so you can't even make educated guesses sometimes. And that takes us to the last point.

• Remember that not everything is about you. Even if you are a diva, don't try to make it all about you. Empathy for others will help you be more aware of when things go well, and you'll appreciate those times more. And you'll be happier for others when they're happy. And when bad things do happen, you'll be better able to cope.

Developing your resilience is an über-effective positive psychology technique. The really cool thing about it is, there's no end limit on how resilient (or happy) you can be.