I do lots of relationship coaching. Most of it is for non-clients. I've even been stopped in the grocery store. For those of you who haven't stopped me but might be wondering about chronic relationship issues, this blog's for you.
Problem 1: You tend to have whirlwind romances that end before you've completely figured out how life together will be in a year.
Reason: No-brainer. Whirlwinds move in no particular direction, fast, leaving a trail of debris. Your romance is just that - a romance, not a relationship. Real people aren't fantasies. If you get out of your head and into the real world, you'll be able to interact more meaningfully.
The Fix: Slow the heck down! Romance is fine, in small doses, well-diluted with real-world experiences. The only reason for being in such a hurry is that you have an issue with flying solo. That's something you need to resolve before you can have a happily ever after.
Problem 2: I'm totally honest with people I meet about my past, and they all want to be "just friends" or maybe "friends with benefits" without a real relationship.
Reason: You're admitting up-front that you're carrying around massive baggage. That's a big risk for anyone. And by failing to keep more personal details private until you've built some trust and intimacy with a person, you're advertising yourself as too flawed to be interested in a serious relationship.
The Fix: Use a little common sense. Would you spill all your faults and inadequacies on a job interview? Of course not! Pay attention to how much the other person is revealing, at what point, and match their speed and level of intimacy.
Problem 3: My relationships seem to leave me flat broke or in debt!
Reason: You are perhaps so eager for a relationship that you're blind to fairly obvious warning signs. Most gold-diggers (male or female) won't just come out and admit that they only want or need your money. But there are always signs. They're adults living with parents. They claim the ex owes money. They're behind on bills. The car needs repairs. They'd love to go on a date but can't afford anything fancy. Maybe they admit to a drug or alcohol problem. And you're hooked, so you offer (much too soon) to pay a bill or "lend" some cash, repeatedly, until your own bank balance is dwindling. It's no coincidence that's when these people start losing interest.
The Fix: In today's economy, you can't afford to give all your money to every worthy person. What about your own financial responsibilities? Take care of you first, offer to pay for moderately-priced dates (nothing extravagant) if you're that interested, but another person's finances are their problem, not yours. Don't butt in and don't make your ATM card available.
Problem 4: The closer I want to be, the harder it seems to get close. The more I try, the faster the relationship dies.
Reason: There's a distinction between close and clingy! Healthy relationships are like healthy anything else - they need a balance. Too much of anything is toxic, not enough is equally deadly. Trying to get too close, too fast (or at the wrong times) is NOT making your partner think you're interested - it's making your partner wonder if you just have an OFF switch. It's annoying at best, but usually a little stalker-ish.
The Fix: Pay attention to their wants and needs instead of just your own - somebody who had a bad day may not be ready get snuggly-cuddly with you if they need to blow off steam first. People who are introverted need more personal time and space - don't invade it without an invitation. Dial it waaaaaay back and give the other person room to breathe.
Problem 5: There's no one reason or any pattern, but none of my relationships lasts.
Reason: So you've examined all possibilities and there's nothing you can see. Well, time for tough love, sweetheart. If you've ruled out everything else, whatever remains is the answer. And the prime common factor in all your relationships is ... YOU. Perhaps you're finding creative ways to sabotage your relationships.
The Fix: You may not be aware of how you're doing it, but if the cause is you, the fix is really about you being honest with yourself. If you're sabotaging yourself, it's because part of you knows that you aren't ready for a relationship. Maybe you're still grieving for a past one, maybe you're young and still growing up and changing, maybe you just aren't emotionally prepared for the responsibility. Whatever. Be honest, and then maybe commit to some quality YOU time for a few months. Everybody deserves a happy relationship, but don't force it if you aren't ready.
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