April is, among other things, Child Abuse Awareness Month. Well-meaning parents - as well as aunts, uncles, and other caretakers - never want to see kids get hurt. Sometimes, though, those same well-meaning folks do things that DO end up hurting their kids. Here are three examples of things parents do all the time - things you might not consider as harmful. And yet.
Child abuse consists of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. And by definition, it occurs with the intent of doing harm, or at least with the intent of not caring about the child. So take note: the examples below are NOT child abuse! I'm using them only to show how easy it is to do damage, even when we have the best of intentions. Hey, nobody said parenting was easy!
1. Parents who want to teach girl power often end up teaching girl stereotypes. Of course we believe in girl power, and we encourage our girls, right? We do it when we take our daughters to dance class. How many parents do it when they teach their daughters how to check the oil in the car?
Our words and actions aren't consistent. We surround them with bright pink and girl-power them right back to Donna Reed days. We give them Barbies (you can be anything), Bratz (as long as you look like a club babe), and crafts (and engage in wholesome activities), yet expect them to be interested in science and soccer. Mixed messages, much?
Socializing our girls this way handicaps them, which is cruel. Of course they can love pink, and all things Barbie. Just encourage them to also explore a variety of activities that aren't so gender-specific.
2. Parents assume their kids are healthy since they aren't obese. Shopping according to the food pyramid we all learn about is incredibly expensive right now. At the same time, child obesity rates are up. What's a caring parent to do? It's a well-documented problem.
I know quite a few parents who are hyper-aware of it, but they counter obesity with outdoor-only play and underfeeding their kids. Well, their girls. (After all, Junior might want to go out for football or wrestling, and we can't have him underweight. And girls are supposed to be skinny, right? So what if their thighs are smaller than their knees?)
I also know a couple families where the parents aren't big milk fans, so they just never have much. They might have cheese or yogurt at one meal a day. Consequently, in both families, calcium deficiency has taken its toll on growing bones. Cut the Starbucks, take your lunch to work, or whatever, but make sure your kids are getting what they need.
3. Lots of parents don't see a difference between discipline and punishment. Yes, there is one. Discipline is training, punishment is a consequence of bad behavior. Discipline is what we do for our bodies when we work out, or say no to excessive dessert. It's what parents should do with their kids all the time - teach them how to behave. Punishment is what happens when the police get the bad guys and they go to jail. Or when little Missy can't control her mouth and has to sit in her room for a while.
And then, once a rule is set, it has to be enforced. Kids need predictability and clear boundaries - even teenagers. If they know the rule is "no whining for candy when we're in line to pay," they also need to know the consequence for breaking the rule.
Some parents teach "Don't whine" without explaining why (teaching appropriate behavior) or what will happen as a consequence (teaching discipline). Make the punishment fit the crime, and teach the consequence as part of the rule, so everybody knows.
4. Parents want their kids to be enlightened, but teach them to be sexist. Think of #1, and then apply the same type of thinking to boys. Then, take it a step further. Remember that kids see everything. They learn a crazy amount of stuff from watching what their parents do.
If Mama is always unhappy with her body, Sissy will learn to be unhappy with hers and Bubba will learn that a good woman (like Mama) will always lack self-confidence. If daddy has a collection of men's magazines, Bubba will learn to objectify women and Sissy will learn that men (maybe even Daddy) will only like her if she's pretty and acts slutty.
Then Bubba and Sissy grow up and marry normal people, and realize there's a problem, or they grow up and marry other Bubba's and Sissy's, and feel trapped and unhappy.
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The job of any parent - regardless of species - is to prepare offspring to live successfully, independently. It's one of the best pieces of advice I ever got as a new parent, and it's true. The trick is, it's hard to think long-term when it comes to our kids. We don't want them to grow up and leave, and we certainly don't want to think of ourselves getting old! It's easier to plan and act in the now. But if our actions today may have a negative impact on the life we want for our kids in the future, it's up to us to change. Thankfully, as humans, we have a relatively long time to get it right.
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