Yikes, what a topic! Settle in, folks. This is a longer post, and a serious one. One of every three girls is going to be a victim of sexual abuse of some sort by the time she's an adult. Think of three adult women you know now. One of them has probably been abused. Not a happy thought, is it?
Parents, your job is to find the line between teaching your daughters about personal safety in this area and scaring them. And then try not to cross it. (Being scared is pretty much going to be your experience, for a while.)
The easiest way to teach is to give girls an idea of consequences - very subtly - but focus on actions they can take, whether they are 8, 18, or 39 and holding.
First, if you haven't already, it's time to teach your princess how to set her own boundaries. Start by reminding her of house rules like where she can play after school or what time she is supposed to come inside. Teach her to be reasonably suspicious - not all strangers are dangerous! Finally, help her understand when it's okay to yell "NO!" and when it's okay to hit - and where and how!
Second, coach, don't rescue. Being supportive, providing guidance, but allowing her to make small mistakes lead to her learning to make better decisions and avoid big mistakes. Help her define harassment. Help her figure out where her own boundaries are. This is extremely important for the very early teen girls. They need to know what they want to accomplish in high school (and maybe beyond), what they don't want to do, what makes a good friend, and how to handle bad ones. They also need to decide - beforehand - what she's comfortable doing (not just sexually) and how well she needs to know someone before doing anything with them. Role play with your young teen to give her practice with difficult conversations.
Now take note - less than 20% of girls learn about sex from mom or dad. Why is that? Well, 90% of parents say schools should teach it. So apparently, they're quite uncomfortable and would rather pass the buck. Okay, but schools teach it far too late. Kids need to know the basics early, in an age-appropriate way, and how many parents are gonna sign off on it for 2nd graders? When your girls get to the 5th or 6th grade school presentation on menstruation, it shouldn't be new material for them! Data suggests, and the girls I talk to confirm it, that they'd much rather learn about sex from their parents. It's more understandable, not sugar-coated, and less embarassing. Parents, there are two benefits for you here: one, you have another chance to teach values, and two, it sets the stage for open and honest communication later in the teen years.
Take another note - 9 out of 10 boys and 8 out of 10 girls over the age of 12 have seen pornography. Most of them run across it while doing their homework online. That's a little alarming, but what should worry you is that about a third of these kids - boys and girls - go and do what they've seen within two or three days. Even if your daughter hasn't seen porn, it's a good bet her friends have, and are cluing her in. (This is the #1 reason TVs and computers don't belong behind closed doors in your kids' bedrooms: you can't control what they see, you don't even know what they're exposed to, and you don't know what they take away from it.)
Parents love to be in denial about all this, because, let's face it, this is ugly stuff. They resist, they argue with me. It's not just me; parents all over the country say the same stuff to every person who presents this information. Here are the most predictable responses:
"Oh, sexual abuse is a problem, but mostly for teens and my kids aren't that old yet." No, not mostly for teens. The average age of victims is 11.
"But we don't know any gay people." I have no idea what that's supposed to do with it, because nearly 100% of sexual abuse is committed by heterosexuals.
"That's good for some people to know, but that kind of person isn't living in my neighborhood." Sorry to enlighten you, Cupcake, but he is. The U.S. Department of Justice says there's an average of one child molester per square mile in this country. Except that they aren't spread out that way. If you live in a city, the density is much higher. I checked with my local reporting agency and in my city, in the midst of nice new homes and happy families, there are four within a half-mile radius. Oh yeah, they're out there.
"But see, that just proves the police know who they are." No, because the average child molester victimizes between 30 and 60 kids before he's ever arrested. It doesn't matter whether the police know them or not, anyway - 75% of adolescents are sexually assaulted by someone they - and you - know pretty well.
And just so you know, a quarter of all rapes are of girls between the ages of one (OMG!) and 11, and another third are of girls between 11 and 17.
This is why it's so important to protect your girls. The danger is very real and they are at risk unless you are very thorough. Use common sense and make sure they do, too.
Start in her room. Specifically, in her closet. The fashion trends for the past five years or so have been pretty form-fitting. Teens understandably might want to show themselves off. But does your pre-teen need to wear spandex? Guess what - if you buy it, she wears it, and she might as well be flashing a neon sign saying "BAIT."
Take it to the table. Talk about signs of potential abusers so she'll recognize behavioral red flags. Teach her how to say NO very clearly and how to mean it. (After all, if she says no, she's not interested, but then talks to the boy later, she's actually telling him to disregard when she says 'no' because she really means 'yes' - and that is NOT a good thing!) So make them practice saying no, using all kinds of creative arguments. And make sure "no" and "stop" really mean "no" and "stop" in your home, so your daughter is comfortable with those words and knows what to reasonably expect when she uses them. And talk with her about setting situation-specific boundaries, like "I'll go to the party for an hour, but then I'm going home."
Part 2 is coming - Recognizing an Abuser. Stay tuned!
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