This post is about how to recognize potential abusers. It's pretty long, so you might want to go take your bio-break now and come back to read - go to the bathroom, get a drink, make some popcorn, whatever.
You're back? Comfy? Ok, we'll get rolling.
Let's start with a hypothetical situation. (I really hope for your sake it's hypothetical.) Let's say your daughter likes this boy. (Well, that's maybe not so hypothetical, but work with me.) Let's say your daughter is Fifi, and this guy is Fred. And you haven't spent much time getting to know Fred, but you definitely pick up on some weird vibes when he's around, and he seems to have some abnormal influence on Fifi, too.
Or maybe you aren't a parent. Maybe Fifi is your best friend and you don't know why, but you just don't like Fred. Or maybe you're Fifi, and you're noticing weird things about Fred. Read on.
1. Consider Fred's family and history:
• Was Fred ever abused (by your definition, not his) - physically or emotionally - as a child?
• Was Fred's mother abused when Fred was little? Did he witness domestic violence?
• Was Fred raised in an extremely strict home, or were his parents disrespectful and critical?
• Does Fred seem like a mama's boy today? Or is he still trying to out-do his father?
2. Consider Fred's perception of responsibility:
• Does Fred refuse to take responsibility for his actions? Is he full of excuses why he can't be held responsible? ("The due date is in such small print on the bill, how was I supposed to know when to pay it?", "I didn't feel good that day, so how was I supposed to ....")
• Does Fred blame every problem on somebody or something else? ("Stupid job/boss/car/dog/etc.")
• Does Fred minimize his own negative behavior? ("I wasn't really that mad.")
• Is Fred hypersensitive: are his feelings easily hurt or does he lose his temper easily?
• Does Fred talk about violence or suggest it as an option? ("I should've just punched him.")
• Does Fred often talk about situations where he's always in control? ("So I told the boss how it was, and he agreed with me and said they'd make some changes.")
• Is Fred's vocabulary unnecessarily profane?
• Does Fred talk about incidents where his behavior could be considered unusual and/or cruel? ("So I followed her to her house and hid until dark, and then I saw her cat, and I grabbed it and pulled its tail so it would meow, and finally she came out.")
• Does there appear to be an extreme to Fred's kindness or cruelty? You know, no happy and stable medium but either super-nice or ruthless.
• Does Fred abuse Fifi verbally, criticize her, curse her, or call her names, especially if he thinks her behavior reflects poorly on him? This could be as simple as, she wants to study for a test instead of go out. This might make him look like an irresponsible student or unsupportive boyfriend, so he has to put Fifi down to make himself feel better.
3. Fred's possessiveness:
• Does Fred expect Fifi to spend all her free time with him?
• Does Fred move too fast and talk about exclusivity and commitment soon after meeting? Some Freds have even proposed marriage on the first date. Others are more subtle and sort of take for granted that Fifi is as wildly in love as he is and there's no reason not to call, text, or be with each other at every available moment.
• Does Fred expect Fifi to drop other commitments and responsibilities to be with him? ("Oh, your mom won't care if you're a few minutes late." or "Oh, you're smart, you don't need to study so much.")
• Does Fred disrespect Fifi's personal boundaries and privacy? For example, does he check the contact list on her phone? Does he read her diary? Does he wrestle or tickle so he can "accidentally" see her underwear - in public, even if she's told him to stop?
• Does Fred disapprove when Fifi is away too long, or does he interrogate her when she returns? Some Freds can go a day or two, while some have a problem if Fifi takes more than two minutes to go to the restroom.
4. Fred's attitude toward females:
• Does Fred talk about traditional/stereotypical roles for males and females and how that role fits him? Does Fred expect Fifi to act like "the little woman" and cook and clean and take care of him without complaint or question?
• Does Fred expect Fifi (and anyone else) to take all his advice?
• Does Fred display jealousy? Is he jealous of strangers, family members, friends, teachers, or anyone who gets even a second of attention from Fifi? Does he accuse her of flirting?
• Does Fred ignore Fifi's wishes or abilities by making decisions for her? Does he order for her in a restaurant? This might be nice in a place where the menu is in French or Italian, and she doesn't speak the language, but does order something he knows she doesn't care for?
• Does Fred constantly suspect or accuse Fifi of cheating on him?
5. Fred's personality:
• Does Fred drink or do drugs frequently, or does he binge?
• Does Fred seem to have a dual personality? Is he especially charming when you first meet him? Huge red flag - dangerous people are the very ones who go out of their way to prove they aren't dangerous but are nice people. Good guys don't need to persuade you to trust them; they act appropriately from the get-go and for as long as you know them.
• Does Fred criticize most people and things, including Fifi?
• Does Fred act like the world revolves around him, yet isn't fair to him? ("I've paid my dues, I've put in my time, so they owe me.")
• Does Fred act like a know-it-all about topics he really has little knowledge about? ("Fifi tells me you're a therapist, Ms. Fifi's Mom. I just read about that synthetic stuff you keep talking about...." "Synesthesia?" "That's what I said. Anyway, do you think it's a problem if the brain gets mixed up and causes you to ... what's that thing where you see things that aren't there ... elucidate?" "Hallucinate?" "No, that's not it. Sheesh, you should know that's not the right word!")
• Does Fred brag all the time about his education, talent, success, or ability - especially when it becomes obvious he shouldn't? ("I'm a successful businessman - I owe somebody for everything I have, and I don't know what I'm doing, my office is a disaster, and I can't seem to hire any decent employees, but I'm a success, alright!" "I went to the best private school in the state. I'm so well-educated I got full credit for my freshman year of college just for graduating from that school. But I never heard that raisins come from grapes. Are you sure?")
6. Fred's manipulation and control:
• Does Fred want Fifi to lie about the relationship to friends and family?
• Does Fred take control of Fifi's money or bank cards, or "borrow" from her without her knowledge or permission?
• Is it difficult to check on Fred's past?
• Does Fred often say that Fifi "makes" him feel good? Or bad? If he has a temper tantrum, does he say "look what you made me do"?
• In public, does Fred keep a hand on the back of Fifi's neck or around her arm instead of holding hands or putting an arm around her waist or shoulders?
• Does Fred have unrealistic expectations of children or animals, in terms of behavior, knowledge, or affection? ("HEY, stupid dog, why don't you wag your tail? I'M TALKING TO YOU, dumb dog, you're supposed to be my best friend.") Are punishments appropriate? ("Fifi, you just changed your baby's diaper and he peed already. You should spank him!") Does Fred tease too much? Or say "I was just teasing" when he sees that his behavior or words have made Fifi - or her friends or parents - mad?
• Does Fred threaten to leave or commit suicide? ("I'm such a jerk, you probably won't ever forgive me. We should just break up now. I'd be better off dead than making you cry.")
7. Fred's intimacy:
• Does Fred push for sex before he and Fifi have a chance to get to know each other? Or does Fred have a history of sexual encounters outside of a solid relationship? Does he maintain shallow relationships with multiple sexual partners?
• Is Fred more into porn than real life? Does he spend excessive time at strip clubs or does he "happen" to be around when other people are having sex?
• Does Fred continually ask for or demand things from Fifi sexually that she's not comfortable with?
• Does Fred try to initiate sex when Fifi is tired, asleep, or sick?
8. Finally, consider Fifi's response:
• Does she spend too much energy trying NOT to upset Fred? Is her life about what Fred will think, how Fred will react, or whether Fred might get mad?
• Does she spend too much energy trying to make Fred happy? Does she carefully orchestrate her wardrobe, class schedule, or even talk a certain way because "that's how Fred likes it"? Does she often apologize or make excuses for Fred?
If your "Fred" matches even one of these red flags, it's a sign to proceed with caution. Often, the first time you meet Fred, he's nothing but charm and attentiveness. As soon as he thinks he can, he'll drop the act and his bad behavior will escalate. Chances are, Fred has already abused someone else, and with each victim, he gets worse. Yep, sooner or later, something will go horribly wrong and somebody will end up dead. But as important as it is to recognize an abuser, it's even more important to avoid being a victim.
And how to avoid being a victim is what we'll discuss in the next post. Until then, keep an eye out for Fred and share this info. And please tweet - the more people who are aware, the harder it is for Fred to find a victim.
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