And whether they appreciate your concern (aka, butting in) or not, they usually let you know you're wrong and they're fine. You may chalk it up to their denial. Cupcake, the one in denial is you.
Why do you do it? Pick a reason (or two):
• You feel responsible for other people's feelings. You've had a lot of practice being co-dependent. Even if you aren't any more, it's a habit to believe that others need you to care for them since they won't do it themselves. But it's a bad habit because it allows you to blame others for your actions. Ultimately, it makes them responsible for your life ... if they only felt differently, you shoulda/woulda/coulda done something differently, yada yada yada.
• You believe others are responsible for your feelings. If you worry, they should do something to make you feel better. This is just as incorrect as the above. People are only responsible for their own feelings. Your I-know-better-than-you belief keeps you dependent on others for positive feedback and incapable of feeling good on your own.
• You try to get others to live the life you want for them. Every parent does this to some extent, while their kids are kids. But you may be like this even when they're grown up. Or with people who aren't even related to you. Maybe your diagnosis is correct, once in a blue moon. But it's still not your life to control, unless you're a dictator of a third world nation.
• You equate worry with love. The problem is, worry is only worry. It's not even an emotion. It's a fear response. And fear is NOT love. You may also be pessimistic, overly critical, and have a tendency to jump to conclusions. Get over your past, because the anger and hostility over past hurts is coming out in weird ways.
• Projecting. There's something wrong with you that you don't want to face, so you pin it on somebody else. It's kind of an advanced form of denial. It's related to displacement. That's when you have some negative emotion (worry, frustration, anger) from one source but express it toward something else. Like having a bad day at work and then going home and kicking the dog (because it's relatively safe to express those emotions to something that poses no threat). This kind of behavior allows you to justify behavior that in any other context would be, at the very least, inappropriate, if not inexcusable.
Why do we do these things, especially to people we actually like and maybe care about? Well, humans are social creatures, so it's not like we're gonna treat our pet rocks like this. Actually, we're probably not even aware we're doing it.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect says, in essence, that when people are incompetent, they don't know it, because they're incompetent, and they think they're better. Similarly, when you're worried about something in your own life, but the strategies you use are ineffective, you don't realize it, because you're so worried. You reach the mistaken conclusion that it couldn't possibly be you, it's everyone else that has a problem. (Well, that or you're a psych major.)
But if you find yourself thinking that there's a real quality-of-life kind of issue with a friend/relative/significant other, double-check yourself. Are you sure this other person is really unhappy or unwell? Sometimes people are just tired, or bored, or their minds are on something else. (Obviously, you don't want to overlook sudden, unexplained weight loss or jaundice or a lot of talk about suicide - but if there's no obvious sign of a problem, how do you KNOW there is one?)
Here's your challenge: assume they're fine. Let it go for a month or two. At the end of that time, if there's still something you're seeing in them that truly concerns you, sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about what you've observed and why it concerns you. Then let it go. You've said your piece and it's now the responsibility of the other person to do something with it. Maybe ignore it, maybe act on it, but the point is - it's out of your hands.
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